Air Travel Exploding Skull Rant

As most folks know, I do a fair bit of traveling for my business and for pleasure. When traveling alone, I have it down to an exact science. I joined Clear Traveler, which permits me to fast-lane through security at OIA, much to the chagrin of people waiting four hundred deep in line after a weekend of visiting the “Mouse”, and never spend more than a few minutes going from curb to gate. For thirty five years, I have had the traveling thing ‘down like Charlie Brown’.

A few weeks back, my buddy called me and said his sister was arranging a surprise birthday party for their mother who will be turning 75 years old, and that I was to be invited because I am a family friend for two decades and they wanted me to be there. I was asked to bring the wife and daughter as well. Having completed the madness of bidding hundreds of projects as the government finished up the federal fourth fiscal quarter money dump, and having completed required submittals for all of the near term projects, I felt the time was perfect for a four day weekend with the family and some close friends in Plymouth Mass and Cape Cod. Lobster, scallops on the beach and good local beer, it just doesn’t get any better than that. Well, I guess if you had lobster, scallops and beer while simultaneously having mad sex on the beach, that would be better, but since there will be children with us……..never mind.


I had my admin set me up with four tickets, one each for myself, The Boss and my daughter, and one for her little friend Dawn. My daughter came to me in tears a few nights ago and said that Dawn could not go now because her grades were poor and her dad was very angry. The kids were both extremely disappointed, so I told my daughter she could ask another friend and I would simply change the ticket. Easy……right?


I get on the phone and call Orbitz®, who I have used for travel in my office forever, and with whom I have a great relationship [having been helped out of a few squeakers by them on more than one occasion for no fee]. After waiting out the usual “Press one for English, Press three if you want to cancel a flight, etc. etc., I got to an “associate” who was not American but spoke perfect English with perfect manners. I explained my problem and was greeted with a moment of silence before she stated that “There are only two airlines that will allow you to change a name on a ticket, and none of your flights are with them”. OK I said, so what do we do from here? She explained that not only could I not change the name on a ticket that I purchased with my credit card, but that the credit for it could only be used by the person named on the ticket and a 150$ fee for changing it would be levied and a 25$ booking fee would have to be paid. So, for a 365 dollar ticket, Dawn would have to pay 175 dollars to utilize the credit leaving a value of only 190. She said “That is correct, except this airline requires you to pay the 175 dollars first, and they will not simply deduct it from the flight credit.


I was starting to get angry now, however, because the “associate” was so nice and apologetic, I maintained my cool and asked what my options were. She explained that I would have to book a new flight, but because of the proximity to my departure date, it would be best to leave the original itinerary alone and simply buy a new ticket for Helen. I agreed. After listening to the clatter of her keyboard for a minute she came on and said she needed name, date of birth and so on. When I gave her the birth date she said, “That’s going to be a problem, because Continental will not allow her to book a ticket for a minor under twelve [Helen will be twelve in 33 days]. She further explained that she would have to book directly with Continental and explain the whole thing to them because I am not a custodial parent. So, I scanned and e-mailed the letter [notarized permitting Helen to travel with us and she said she would call me back in ten minutes.


By the time I was through, I had spent $561 dollars and two hours dealing with a simple name change on a fucking airline ticket. The most frustrating part was that no one seems to know what the damn rules are and no one seems to give a shit about how difficult it has been made to go on what should be a simple trip. I cannot fault the Orbitz girl, rather, I give her praise for handling this for me because I am certain that at some point I would have exploded in outrage over the phone. I am angry at the airlines, for advertising one thing and then charging ala carte for every single thing besides the actual plane ride. The baggage fees, the drink fee, a fee for a window seat, a fee for a snack, etc. etc. It’s beyond stupid and it infuriates me. I am also furious at our government for making little girls out to be terrorists by forcing me to essentially eat a perfectly good ticket because they don’t want airlines to allow name changes on a ticket. What the fuck is that? How exactly does that make us safer? It’s not like I am changing the name from Dawn to Achmed Mohammed Al Talibani, I want to change it to Helen, another little freakin’ girl.


Can anyone here remember the last time a white, middle class little girl tried to smuggle a bomb or a gun on a plane? In fact, when was the last time any middle class full-on, natural born third generation or better American Citizen even tried to hijack an airplane? The last one I remember was D.B. Cooper, and he jumped out of the fucker at fifteen thousand feet or some shit like that. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.


The same goes for putting me through a full body search which includes the forced and involuntary act of requiring the homosexual fondling of my genitals, and the same perversion on my daughter, simply to go on vacation. Let’s not forget the multiple doses of radiation we are required to endure as well. On this particular trip, I can expect up to four doses of radiation to rip apart my DNA. Thanks TSA, you bunch of ass lickers. Political correctness has gone waaaaay too far in this country and has become a greater danger to our security and freedoms than any single other thing. Our freedoms have been curtailed in a lot of cases and eliminated in others. And what’s with the assholes on the way to the gate and at the gate who do random re-screenings? What the fuck is up with that? Are they afraid their high school drop-out loser pedophile dick feelers missed something? Do they just need another dose of genital sweat to achieve a proper orgasm in the employee bathroom while masturbating to mental images of my under-age daughter? It makes me so mad I want to crack open a skull. I am presumed to be a murderous criminal simply by virtue of purchasing a plane ticket. All of the freedom hating crybabies out there who are so afraid of their own shadow that they sympathize with this outrageous practice can go fuck themselves; I have no feeling whatsoever for you outside of blind hatred. Want to live in a country that controls your every move? Go live in Burma [Myanmar]. They are probably suitably paranoid enough for you. You’ll probably like it there.


My day actually started out pretty damn good. I was notified that we were chosen as subcontractor on a rather large project, and that our share was 750K. This allowed me to call back a dozen workers who desperately need a paycheck, and it made me feel pretty damn happy to be able to do. Later in the morning we were notified that we won the water/waste water upgrade project as the remedial action contractor and that our share would be a healthy 377K spread our over 18 months or so. It was all going well until I had to deal with some of the most ridiculous, government designed roadblocks ever conceived. Who the hell is in charge of this clusterfuck anyway? Who do I write to explain my valid and ever present frustrations to? Would it even accomplish anything besides getting my name in bold print on a no-fly list?


I think I am going to talk to some friends of mine and see if they are interested in forming a new company. We will call it the No Bullshit Airlines. Seriously, it will be fantastic. When we sell you a ticket, it will include everything, without exception. When you get to our airport, there will be a minor screening only. You will be asked to show that you are who you say you are with a drivers license or something similar. You will have a luggage screening and will be asked if you are carrying a weapon. If you are or appear to be of Middle East/North Africa/Indonesia/Malasian descent, or have a middle eastern name like Achmed Mohammed, you will be subject to intense screening, and I mean Israeli style. You will then board your plane, be served free beverages and a snack on longer duration hops. That is it. No luggage or other garbage fees; everything is included in the price. Wife can’t go and you want to take your buddy instead? OK, the ticket is as good as cash for one year, we don’t give a shit who uses it, just as long as they have a bit of ID so we can change the name, even up to an hour before flight so the flight manifest is correct.


If you don’t feel safe flying my airline, then fuck off asshole and fly Nazi Airlines. Take your luggage and your pathetic lickspittle life and walk for all we care. Perhaps Freedom Airlines would be a better name. We will fly out of Freedom Airport.


May God have mercy on the souls of the Globalists if I ever become President of this Nation.